Those of us who have been socialized female are especially prone to suffering from impostor syndrome. Those of us who get paid to sell dreams of hope to funders of change may never feel like social justice activists. Maybe that’s one of the biggest challenges to the career-as-identity schema that comes pre-packaged into professionalized activism. “I don’t do enough. I’m too tired to volunteer, I practically volunteer at my job. Actually, would I do this for free? Just because I believe in it?” But when I got laid off from a big national gay rights job six years ago, I didn’t know who I was anymore. Sure, it’s everyone’s problem that: what I do = who I am. But if I’m not a real activist when I have a paid job, and I’m not an activist anymore when I get laid off, what is this project? It’s tempting to twist off the end nicely and say something like Palmeri did about ‘redefining’ our fields/roles/practices/identities – which I’m sure he meant sincerely. But I’m not sure I feel aligned enough with the ‘non-profit industrial complex’ anymore at all to do that. To act on principles I must take them off like clothes, wash them, and put them in a drawer. To care about myself, I must leave them there until they’re vintage – maybe then I’ll be able to look back fondly at my work, and also my rejection of it.
